Don’t Victimize Yourself

2-14-15: A lesson learned from Monogatari


“I’ve got a great story to tell you. It’s about that man who tried to rape you way back. He was hit by a car and died in a place with no connection to you, in an event with no connection to you. Without any drama at all …That’s the lesson for you here: you shouldn’t expect your life to be like the theatre.”

–       Kaiki Deishu

I guess I’ve always known this, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it. I wanted to believe I was going to change the world; that I was special. Yes, a foolish thought or perhaps it was a wish I was trying to deceive myself in believing.

I remember asking myself why I deserved to be cursed with an illness; I cried and asked the God I believed in then, ‘why me?’ I made myself out to be the victim. I’ve come to learn I’ve never been the victim, but it was only an illusion I created. How childish of me. Yes, I have suffered, but that’s it, I’ve only suffered. I’ve pained, but I have learned and evolved from it, whether for the better or what some people may think, the worse. I am becoming a whole person and moving past the helpless child who believed the universe was against her. I was self-centered enough to think the universe was against me. Ha. “Even when our eyes are closed, there’s a whole world out there that lives outside ourselves and our dreams,“ said by Edward Elric. I was experiencing the world as if I was the protagonist and still today I may act as if I am, but I’m moving forward and acknowledging that I am not.

I am not the protagonist, nor the victim. I am no one, but everyone. There is no self. I’m equally significant as every form of life thus I have liberated myself to experience life and the grief that may come along with it and I will not wither as the victim. I am liberated because I am no longer bound by the laws of a protagonist: I do not have to feign purity or heroism, and I’m finally allowed to grow and maybe just like everyone else, if I can, I can become a part of the world’s evolution.

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