As of late, the last five years of my life, and increasingly apparent in the last few months, I have delved further in the abyss of confusion. My thoughts are incoherent, and quite frankly I do not understand what is going around me. Life, at times, seems pointless. People seem empty. I seem empty.
I think, and I think, that this may have to deal with the realization that I must decide how to go about my life after graduation. Education has been institutionalized so I saw it as something that was naturally part of life. I blindly followed everyone. Now I see that we all have a choice and I ask myself, “what will I do with my life?” and, “what the hell have I been doing with it?” Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there is one right way to live your life. If you prefer to stay home and watch anime, then so be it. It’s your life. The problem with me is that I pitifully wished that I was supposed to change the world for the better; I was just waiting for someone to tell me what it was.
I’ve mentioned this in a previous post and like I’ve said, I know that is not true, but still I can strive for it. The problem is I’m unsure how to go about this and I fear that I will live through life never feeling I accomplished my dream. I worry if I even have the potential to make a small change. I look at myself and I compare myself to an ideal me, but I don’t even know how to measure myself. I’m merely a being of collected perceptions from outsiders. I ask myself, “how do people perceive me?” It’s impossible to measure. People essentially perceive me based on the relationship I have with them, how I make them feel, and how they perceive themselves. So I then turn inwards, “how do I perceive myself?” and to be honest I really have no clue. Like I said earlier, my thoughts are muddled.
I guess the only thing I’m left to do is simply move forward and interact with the opportunities I am given; I’ll have to continue living to see how my life will unfold. Maybe I will achieve my goal, maybe not. Here is a full length response to my doubts and worries: https://nataliesalchemy.wordpress.com/2014/02/27/2-26-14-the-alchemist-the-alchemist-i-arrived/
Maybe you too will find encouragement in my terribly written words.