So what is authentic
Well, I can first
describe what inauthentic love is:
The need to be in
charge and make decisions for the other person
Has rigid and
unrealistic expectations of how the other person must act to be worthy of love.
Attaches strings to
loving and loves conditionally
Puts little trust in
the love relationship
change as a threat to the continuation of the relationship
Depends on the other
person to fill a void in life
Is unwilling to share
important thoughts and feelings about the relationship
– I Never Knew I had a Choice by Gerald &
Marianne Schneider Corey
Authentic Love is
enriching and expansive. It is two beings committed to grow with each other and
reach new heights. But, it only enhances you; it does not heal or fix you. Love
begins from inside out. It was hard for me to believe or understand this, but
it is true, you must love yourself before you “search” for outside sources of
love. Why is that? Because you will only enter relationships that mirror how
you feel inside. You’ll attract persons who treat you the way you unconsciously
think you should be treated.
So here are the 5 ways
to attract Authentic Love. These methods deal with internal practices, but also tools that you can use externally, physical manifestation of your life and discerning characters, so that you may find a healthy, enriching relationship.
1. Practice Self Love: First know that you are more
than your ego. You are Higher-Self, which is Source or God or All, but One. It
is the being that connects everyone and everything. You are love. To fully know
that you are more than your ego. There is the following exercise: Knowing Higher-Self. To also practice
self love you must also appreciate your ego – the medium or expression of your
Higher-Self. In order to do so, look at the following exercise: Appreciating the Ego.
- Knowing Higher-Self Exercise: Take the time to meditate and feel Higher-Self emanating
these expressions: You are love. You are loved and full of love. You are
powerful, strong, and brave. You are kind and forgiving. You are beauty. You
can also meditate on anything that you think you need to work on.
- Appreciating the Ego: Before you go to bed or anytime
that is most convenient for you to spend a few minutes and really focus on
self-love, write a a thankful list. This list can surround: what you find
physically attractive about yourself, what you did during the day that leaves
you proud, what you find that you do creatively, and any form that you believe
you are successful. Meditate on these and fully appreciate yourself for it. Once
it’s become a habit to write down what you appreciate about yourself, you’ll be
more inclined to see how great you are as you are being! Make sure to feel how
poise and radiant you are as you are walking down the street, feel how kind you
are when you give a small helpful gesture toward a stranger, feel how beautiful
you are when you smile, feel strong when you run. Don’t forget that you are a
whole person, so don’t judge yourself when you “fail” to be kind or to feel
beautiful etc. Remember you are all and you are one.
2. Believe in love and that you deserve it!
Visualize yourself in an authentic relationship. What would you and your
love do? Will you be giggling and cuddling on the sofa watching your favorite television
show? Will you be taking goofy selfies? How will your everyday look like? If
you are having trouble believing that you deserve love, the previous exercises:
Appreciating the Ego, and Knowing Higher-Self should assist you, but psychologically
you must also challenge limiting/ distorted thoughts and reset it to realistic
thoughts. For instance, if you constantly tell yourself that you will always
fail in your relationships, because of past experiences change it to: yes I’ve failed this relationship, but it
does not mean that all my relationships will fail; there will be some
relationships that fail and some relationships that are great. This distorted
thought is an overgeneralization. Other distorted thoughts come in the form of
comparing yourself to others as in why can’t I beautiful like her? If I was, I
would find someone to love me. You don’t need to compare! Because you are
amazing in your own way!
3. Heal old wounds: Before you move into a
relationship, you must know what you struggle within relationships and heal
yourself. Because, like I’ve said, relationships are a mirror of what is inside
you. And, you will replay these unhealthy relationships until you’ve healed
yourself. If you struggle with people treating you terribly, then it shows that
you don’t believe you are worthy of someone treating you well. If you were
rejected and felt like you weren’t good enough for someone, it’s because you
don’t find yourself good enough for you. Don’t reject yourself. Accept who you
are and be friends with all parts of you .Once you heal yourself, you will no
longer need to play them out with other people in your life.
4. Enjoy your life: Don’t put your life on hold and
wait for someone to rescue you from your mundane life. Don’t expect anyone to
make your life exciting. You have to make it exciting! Do what you enjoy and
when the time comes, you and your partner will be able to share your exciting
lives with each other.
5. Know which people are Safe: Once you’ve
healed your wounds and learned to love yourself, you’ll attract those who are
safe. A safe person is someone who allows you to grow to the best person you
can be. To become closer to your higher-self – to express yourself authentically.
But, you may still encounter unsafe people. Someone who limits you, criticizes
you, and abandons you. You must be able to discern character, in order to avoid
unsafe people. Now, before I describe the traits of unsafe people I would like
to acknowledge that safe people may have the traits of unsafe people, but their
character as a whole does not encompass most of the traits of unsafe people,
and they are also willing to better themselves. Below is a list of traits of unsafe people.
- Don’t admit
their weaknesses or faults and portray themselves as perfect.
- Are defensive
and are not open for feedback. They are not willing to improve themselves.
self-righteous and not humble.
- Only apologize,
but don’t change their behavior.
- Avoid their
problems instead of working on them.
- Demand trust,
instead of earning it.
- Blame others
instead of taking responsibility.
- Lie, instead of
telling the truth
instead of growing.
- Avoid closeness
instead of connecting
- Concerned about
themselves than the relationship.
- Resist freedom
instead of encouraging it. They don’t allow you to be your own person and seek
to control/ manipulate you. They do not allow you to take part in other
relationships and wish to keep you to themselves.
- Condemn us
instead of forgiving. They are constantly bringing up when you’ve hurt them,
even if you’ve never repeated that action. Ie. forgetting their birthday.
role: If they are in the child role, they are irresponsible, and make you take responsibility
for their actions. They don’t know how to make their own decisions ie. what
career they should pursue. They may act as a rebellious teenager, eating
unhealthy and complaining about their weight, but when you try to help them,
they are resistant and unwilling to improve themselves. Or they may push you to
keep pushing them. If they are in a parental role, they do not allow you
freedom to be yourself and they try to mold you into a certain way. They don’t
let you make your own decisions.
influence: This could be a negative influence as in drinking, drugs, unsafe
sex. Or it could also be influencing you to think negatively of the world.
- Unstable: They
do not emotionally commit. They are not there for you when you need. They make
promises that they do not keep. Safe people “have a profound understanding of
how much time it takes to be there for someone, so they think, deliberate, and
think long and hard before they decide to invest in a relationship.
- Don’t confront
us. They may be passive aggressive with any issues they have with you, instead
of straightforwardly speaking to you in a civil manner.
- Unsafe people
gossip instead of keeping secrets
Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud