If I choose one direction: I can get a fresh start, clean slate. I can see the world, meet new people, and even start paying back my loans and not worry about rent. The other, I think I actually have the chance to grow, to become more than I am. To learn to love all of me instead of escaping me. It’s a scary path though. I have to face my shadow self, I have to face the problems within my relationships.
Since the beginning of college, I had built myself to become an English teacher in a foreign country. I think because I was so adamant on running away. It looked so good to me, but the last month, I went abroad again to earn my teaching certificate and it made me realize that I was just escaping from my problems and that there wasn’t much room for me to grow. There wasn’t much intimacy either and I felt like my priorities weren’t aligned. My family has given me so much and I wanted to leave them because of the problems we have, but I don’t want to run away from them anymore. I’ll be true to myself and still be there for them, still love them. For some reason, I’ve started to feel like I have limited time. I don’t want to miss the time I have with my family, my friends, any of my loved ones. I think I started to understand this when I started dating Joe. I’ve learned.
There is also the aspect that I don’t have access to the resources that I want. I feel like I won’t have the time to be inspired and continue my creative endeavors. I won’t have access to opportunities to do anything that I would like to do, no matter how far-fetched they seem to be, like own a non-profit, or a least begin working for one, become a tattoo artist, own a cafe shop, have my writings published etc. I won’t be able to become more. Maybe this is a false perception, but I know I can do that here and spend time with my loved ones.
I’m not stable enough to be alone in a foreign country. I’m also not that physically strong enough to be alone in a foreign country. I have so many illnesses, it would be difficult to be treated and find care.
Lastly, I fear isolation and emptiness. Will I be lonely? I want to be loved and to love. I’m sure I would love my students, but that wouldn’t be enough for me. I would need filial love, platonic love, and consummate love,
I know my choice, but it’s hard to let go of everything you put into a dream. Hard to let go of the dream that once was mine.