I often catch myself depending too much on my boyfriend; I depend on him to pull me out the hole of unworthiness and self pity I dug myself. I then find myself that as much as he tries to console me, I’m still stuck in that hole. The only person who can help me is me.
If I leave myself depending on my boyfriend, it it will only strain the relationship. My boyfriend will feel unappreciated and will feel the weight of negativity from me, and I will feel as though my boyfriend does not try enough and I will be left in that hole.
So, how to fix this? You must love yourself. It’s not easy, and I believe it is a life-long lesson we all must learn.
Boundaries must be created in order to respect yourself and your values/ beliefs. Here are some examples of my boundaries:
- I will not allow people to yell or verbally abuse me
- I will not allow anyone to hit me
- I will not allow anyone to constantly criticize me for my beliefs and spiritual path
- I will not allow myself to commit to an event, task, activity, if it will cause me unneeded stress and if I have no desire to do it
Recently at work, I was asked to pick up another shift by my boss. I didn’t want to. I perfectly enjoyed the shifts I already have and I was also juggling two other jobs. If anything, I was thinking of leaving that job. I wouldn’t allow myself to give in to my boss’ constant badgering. Boundaries must be applied outside of your relationship to ensure that you are respecting yourself at all times.
2. Speak Up:
Be assertive with your needs. I constantly caused unnecessary strain on my relationship because I expected my boyfriend to know what I need or wanted without ever telling him what it is that I craved. I would be upset if he didn’t know that I wanted him to emotionally support me. Our partners are NOT mind-readers. Yes, sometimes we want them to pick up our hints, but they are humans too, and they have long days just as you do. If you want emotional support, let them know what’s on your mind. Don’t expect them to know.
If you don’t love yourself, you’ll want your partner to take care of you, baby you. Take care of yourself and tell those who you love what you need.
Bonus! You’ll have better communication skills, and more likely you’ll have less fights now that you aren’t passive-aggressive about the night your partner didn’t console you.
3. Make Time For Yourself:
Make time to do things by yourself that are physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and socially enriching. If you build upon yourself you will be able to see better why you deserve your love. For instance, if you volunteer your time to a cause you care about, you will see how you are positively impacting the world.
BONUS! Your significant other will miss you when you do things by yourself, and their admiration will grow for you as you define your character.
4. Challenge Your Self Defeating Thoughts:
Your negative thoughts are the source of your self-love deficit. These thoughts are misconstrued and false. Learn to identify them and then correct them.
For instance, my boyfriend was sick and he needed time to recover, but my negative thoughts told me that he didn’t want to see me as much as I wanted to see him. But, the reality is that he was feeling ill and had a long days of work; he wouldn’t be able to stay up with me. Plus, he probably didn’t want me to see him all phlegmy.
Bonus! You will no longer blame your partner for the thoughts you’ve created.
5. Turn the Focus on to Yourself:
Don’t worry about your partner and what he/she is doing “wrong.” Most likely they aren’t doing anything wrong and simply it is you who needs to work on yourself. Don’t make expectations of your partner. Rather, make expectations of yourself. If you improve yourself and cultivate yourself into the person you appreciate, you’ll know the types of relationships you desire, that way if your partner is actually constantly doing something wrong, then you’ll leave the relationship, you’ll be the best partner you can be, and you’ll be the best person you can be.
You only have the power to fix yourself, not your partner.
Don’t look for love to compensate a self love deficit. Instead love yourself and share the love you have.