So, not long ago my boyfriend and I had separated, and something that I was afraid of happening was jumping back into a relationship with my ex or jumping into any other relationship. I was afraid because I know that nothing has changed within me. I’m still insecure and I know that I seek affirmation outside of myself, which puts a lot of stress on the relationship, and I end up going crazy. So, if I don’t work on myself, I’ll continue this cycle of failed relationships.
What am I going to do about this?
I read a post from Mind Body Green that showed me that I can defeat my insecurities and become my best self. Basically, this man had vowed to stay single for a year and in the meantime he’d focus and work on himself. The end result was a success. So, I vow to remain single, no dating, for at least 8 months, and I plan to document my journey. It’ll be titled along with //My Journey to Self- Love.
Note: I do believe that you can still go onto the path of self-love while you are in a relationship, but I think for my personal experience, it’d be best for me to do this single. Check out How to Love Yourself in a Relationship if you need help in this area.
What does undependence look like in practice?
- Recognize. Recognize the people you rely on heavily. And, recognize why you depend on them. Emotionally, these relationships will be with people you feel you never get enough time with even when they are trying their best. You may depend on someone for financial reasons. Do you feel like you need to be validated? Do you constantly need reassurance/ approval in your choices? Take the time to get perspective and figure out how events in your life led you to believe you need to depend on others. You may have been neglected, abused, left out, or abandoned in the past. You may have been told that you were worthless, stupid, or unable to take care of yourself. Or maybe even extremely coddled.
- Nurture yourself. A lot easier said than done, but whenever it gets hard and you want to beat yourself up, think of your inner self as your 7 year old self. Would you berate and say nasty words to your 7 year old self? What would you tell this child in hard times? This vulnerable, needy child will never disappear no matter how self-sufficient you become. This child may reappear unannounced even when times are going good. But, learn to always be kind to yourself.
- Find out how to take care of yourself. If you are emotionally dependent on people, you will end up throwing yourself at people when you are distressed, so make a list what makes you feel good by yourself. If you need some help doing so, check out this blog post: Learn to Soothe Yourself in Times of Distress. If you are financially dependent, what ways can you be financially secure?
- Monitor yourself. Catch yourself if you are relying on others, and catch yourself if you are beating on your inner child. This is a learning process. You aren’t going to get it right away. It’ll take time and patience.
- How to Detach & Free Yourself
- Words About Self-Worth // Thrifted Ethical Fashion
- Codependency: Why You Need to Know if You have this Personality Trait.