Undependence (Stop Looking for Outside Approval) // My Journey to Self-Love


So, not long ago my boyfriend and I had separated, and something that I was afraid of happening was jumping back into a relationship with my ex or jumping into any other relationship. I was afraid because I know that nothing has changed within me. I’m still insecure and I know that I seek affirmation outside of myself, which puts a lot of stress on the relationship, and I end up going crazy.  So, if I don’t work on myself, I’ll continue this cycle of failed relationships.

What am I going to do about this?

I read a post from Mind Body Green that showed me that I can defeat my insecurities and become my best self. Basically, this man had vowed to stay single for a year and in the meantime he’d focus and work on himself. The end result was a success. So, I vow to remain single, no dating, for at least 8 months, and I plan to document my journey. It’ll be titled along with //My Journey to Self- Love.

Note: I do believe that you can still go onto the path of self-love while you are in a relationship, but I think for my personal experience, it’d be best for me to do this single. Check out How to Love Yourself in a Relationship if you need help in this area.


What does undependence look like in practice?

  1. Recognize. Recognize the people you rely on heavily. And, recognize why you depend on them. Emotionally, these relationships will be with people you feel you never get enough time with even when they are trying their best. You may depend on someone for financial reasons. Do you feel like you need to be validated? Do you constantly need reassurance/ approval in your choices? Take the time to get perspective and figure out how events in your life led you to believe you need to depend on others. You may have been neglected, abused, left out, or abandoned in the past. You may have been told that you were worthless, stupid, or unable to take care of yourself. Or maybe even extremely coddled.
  2. Nurture yourself. A lot easier said than done, but whenever it gets hard and you want to beat yourself up, think of your inner self as your 7 year old self. Would you berate and say nasty words to your 7 year old self? What would you tell this child in hard times? This vulnerable, needy child will never disappear no matter how self-sufficient you become. This child may reappear unannounced even when times are going good. But, learn to always be kind to yourself.
  3. Find out how to take care of yourself. If you are emotionally dependent on people, you will end up throwing yourself at people when you are distressed, so make a list what makes you feel good by yourself. If you need some help doing so, check out this blog post: Learn to Soothe Yourself in Times of Distress. If you are financially dependent, what ways can you be financially secure?
  4. Monitor yourself. Catch yourself if you are relying on others, and catch yourself if you are beating on your inner child. This is a learning process. You aren’t going to get it right away. It’ll take time and patience.


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32 thoughts on “Undependence (Stop Looking for Outside Approval) // My Journey to Self-Love

    1. No, thank you for reading it! Honestly, the feedback you give me pushes me to continue to write, especially because you are consistent with reading my posts. I truly appreciate it xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Really interesting thoughts, Natalie! I am a big believer that it´s so, so important to understand what´s going on inside you. And learn and grow while really listening to your mind and body. Please update us on your journey, I really wanna know how it goes for you 🙂

    I wish you a great day!


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shanice, thanks for taking the time to comment and read! I’m glad you find it important because I think that’s the only way we can change the world for the better. I’ll definitely will! xoxo


  2. I really love this post! I (not so) recently came out of a relationship and I haven’t really been working on myself like I should be, I’ve kinda just dwelled in self pity haha. But I may have to have a go with this! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sophie, thanks for taking the time to read it! I’m glad you enjoyed it! Aww I’m sorry! Sometimes we need to do that too, but we can’t stay there forever, so I hope that you can join me in improving ourselves! haha 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This is so important! I have two friends who I love dearly but they have no idea how to love themselves or to even rely on themselves. They require so much emotional investment that its exhausting for me. And I’m not the only ones they do it too. Its difficult because even though you want to say ‘dude, this is too much for me to deal with’ you know you really can’t. This is certainly a timely reminder to think about ways to be there for them whilst still taking care of myself. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! I didn’t mention it much above, but it’s very detrimental to the person that dependents rely on! I hope you can find a middle ground to be there for your friends, but also be there for yourself. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Kathrin, absolutely yes! I was one who suppressed it and then the child within me would act out – my behavior became erratic because of it. So, if I take care of that inner child, I can watch what I say and do. Thanks for dropping by and commenting. I truly appreciate it. xoxo


  4. What a thoughtful post! I love your second point about nurturing yourself. Usually I am incredibly hard on myself. It would help if I treated myself more compassionately, like if I were a child again. Self-love is something everyone should practice and hopefully achieve!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh! I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I am the same way and that’s why I thought it was important to point that out because we would never be cruel to our friends or a little child as we are cruel to ourselves.


  5. I love this so much, it really resonates with me. I have never been very confident in myself but this has improved slightly since being in a relationship. I’m wary of the fact that I don’t want my confidence to be based on the presence of one particular person so I’m starting to work on myself as a single entity as well as someone who is part of a couple! Great post x


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